I decided i dont like this blog site. But i dont know any others, so this will do.

Tonight was interesting. ashley jay jim josh and erin saw Bombity of errors which was hilarious. Then we went to grumpys where we met up with Ashley Ali Jacqui Tim R. Drinking was slow and I never really got even a good buzz, but I did get a chance to talk with Ali which was cool. Erin and Jacqui went to one end of the bar to have 'girl talk' while the rest of us stood by another table and talked abotu how dumb 'girl talk' was. I only really feel compelled to write because the walk/ ride back was interesting.

It was kind of chilly but while erin and jacqui walked in the back off on their own, the rest of us were chatting and i felt really comfortable. Then we got on the drunk bus and as it turned out, Jacqui and I sort started our own little conversation. It felt really great to talk to her without things being awkward for once. She seems liek shes in a weird place, but that doesnt surprise me. She feels ignored usually, and now that everyone is making a big deal about her and josh (awkward for them) its the wrong time/ wrong kind of attention. I feel equally bad for josh. All of their friends mean well, but dont seem to get that "helping" them jsut makes things more uncomfortable. I guess i shouldnt say they, Im sure i dont really help.

All that to say this. I feel like people worry about other people too much, and i feel like its mostly motivated out of something selfish. I cannot for the life of me figure out why it matters to person A how person B reacts with person C. or for that matter, how person B will react when person C talks with person D. Its like a huge deal to know whats going on with people, when we clearly have enough problems dealing with out own relationships. the way i see it, its easier to deal with other people than ourselves because there arent really any implications or responsibilies when youre not dealing with yourself. Hopefully, i can try and deal more with myself and less with other other people. I dunno.

I went to all my classes today. Upon review, I havent been to all my classes on a monday/Wednesday since the first month of this semster. And i know that a lot of people believe that you should go to class because youre paying for it and it's a waste if you arent there. Personally, when I realized I can learn more on my own than in class i stopped going.

So that is that. And on that note... what did i learn today? I learned that I'm retarded and cant do tai Chi. They move like snails and I cant keep up. There were four guys there and the instructor spent the entire time fixing my awkward movements. And they have mirrors, so i can SEE how awkward I look. Serisouly... do i look that awkward all the time?

I also learned that I cant speak girl.

Religion, companionship, confusion.

i have more questions now than i did in high school. WTF... I thought that those awkward "who am I years" were early high school, early college, and mid-life... its not supposed to be out of the blue on the weekend after your 21st birthday. Its just not.

I feel so emo Im ashamed. I know that towards the end of the relationship last i was in, I fell out of peace with my relationship with God. Thats the last year of my life, at least, that I have not been satisfied with what should be the most important thing in my life. And here I am coming to the realization that i NEED to do something about it, and what am I focused on...? Im focused on girls. I cant stop thinking about those really awesome things in aforementioned relationship which kept it alive for four and a half years... and i want that. So im in bed every night yelling at myself to focus and pray, all the while thinking about the cute things i can say to not be lonely anymore. Im over analyzing everything this girl said to me that day, and all the while hating myself for it.

I dont really mean hating myself... i mean feeling sorry for myself that this relationship i used to have with God is not just fixing itself so i can go on remember the good times, and fantasyzing about future good times. Back and forth between shame at my mispriority, and worthlessness at my failed attempts to find someone to try and fill God's void.

^poorly phrased and confused... thats my style baby.