Religion, companionship, confusion.

i have more questions now than i did in high school. WTF... I thought that those awkward "who am I years" were early high school, early college, and mid-life... its not supposed to be out of the blue on the weekend after your 21st birthday. Its just not.

I feel so emo Im ashamed. I know that towards the end of the relationship last i was in, I fell out of peace with my relationship with God. Thats the last year of my life, at least, that I have not been satisfied with what should be the most important thing in my life. And here I am coming to the realization that i NEED to do something about it, and what am I focused on...? Im focused on girls. I cant stop thinking about those really awesome things in aforementioned relationship which kept it alive for four and a half years... and i want that. So im in bed every night yelling at myself to focus and pray, all the while thinking about the cute things i can say to not be lonely anymore. Im over analyzing everything this girl said to me that day, and all the while hating myself for it.

I dont really mean hating myself... i mean feeling sorry for myself that this relationship i used to have with God is not just fixing itself so i can go on remember the good times, and fantasyzing about future good times. Back and forth between shame at my mispriority, and worthlessness at my failed attempts to find someone to try and fill God's void.

^poorly phrased and confused... thats my style baby.